Draco and Voldemort Maladroit
by erinchatkiller
Summary: Draco consumes a mismixed potion and has to be sent of to St.Mungoes. There is the vicious Voldemort, wasting his life away because of Amnesia. If you like comedies, Monty Python or Adam Sandler, this fanfic is for you!


Now was the time. Draco carefully placed the last drop of Eagle Feather into his soda bottle. Not only was it a regular soda bottle, but also it was a disguised bottle. Inside the bottle was a potion. Now why would Draco do this? Since Draco didn't want anybody to suspect he would be drinking a potion, he decided to actually make the potion in a soda bottle, so that it looked like regular soda. Once he finished mixing the rest of the ingredients, he lifted the bottle to his lips, and drank.  
  
  
  
***An hour ago****  
  
Neville was walking along shyly. He was having a regular day, carrying his beloved toad, Trevor, around. Both Neville and Mike were walking around the commons when they saw a soda bottle. It was a regular soda bottle; just that it looked a little expired. They decided to throw it away. You know, do something nice for Filch so he didn't have to clean it up. Then suddenly, they had a change of mind.  
  
It wasn't something about throwing away the soda that made then decide against it, more like something in the soda. Kind of like soda bottle instincts. Neville and Mike turned on their heels and left the common room. Though mysteriously, Trevor wanted to stay and hang around this expired bottle of soda.  
  
:::Now I must tell you, Trevor is a special kind of toad. He is what we'd all like to call a naughty toad. A very naughty toad he is.:::  
  
Trevor hopped around the soda a bit, and then sat by the soda. It surely didn't smell like soda, or even relatively like it. So he carefully tiptoed on the top of the bottle and peeked in. It smelled nothing like soda. Trevor grinned an evil toad grin.  
  
:::Trevor here, is by far the nastiest, most cruel toad when it comes to destroying the property of people he strongly disliked. One thing he noticed about this bottle of soda was that it belonged to Draco Malfoy. How he did that, I don't know. Call it a frog's sixth sense. :::  
  
Trevor's grin grew wider. Now came the urge to spit in the soda. Yes, spit. So spit he did. With that, he left the soda and hopped off back into the arms of his master.  
  
***Extremely late that night***  
  
  
  
Draco Malfoy shot up in his bed. Sweat was dripping down his temples and off his nose. "A nightmare." He thought. "But I never thought nightmares were part of this potion. The transformation should've happened already." He felt sweat stick to his back. Draco swung his legs over the bed and walked over to the restroom, taking off his sticky shirt in the process. Draco bent over and glanced at himself in the mirror. "This isn't working!" He thought. "What could've possibly gone wrong?"  
  
:::We all knew this would happen, wouldn't we? Just thought I would like to tell you what this mystery potion actually was. It was the Amiabe Potion. This potion makes the consumer, well...pretty, to put it that way. Now we all know how vain and egocentric dear Draco was. Don't worry, this whole narcissistic, self-absorbed thing will drop out of his system.:::  
  
Draco continued to look himself in the mirror. He looked like the same old, Draco Malfoy. Nothing looked better, or as the advertisement had mentioned, pretty. This is pathetic. Of course this potion wouldn't work! It must've been of extremely bad quality. This was one of those pathetic ads you see on Wizard Wide Web.  
  
Then before anything else could possibly happen, Draco felt himself transform. The potion seemed to be taking over him now. Suddenly, his legs felt wobbly, his fingers droopy. His arms started flopping around uncontrollably. Then he fell on the floor and started twisting about. Before he knew it, he was no longer Draco Malfoy. He was a pile of hay.  
  
:::What have I done to him? That's the irony of it all. No, that's not just the irony of it all. That's just the soul purpose of this story. For those Draco lovers, yes of course, he'll turn back into himself just before he gets eaten by something or someone. Oh just you wait until his visit to St.Mungoes :::  
  
Almost instantly, he started rushing over to Snape's room. He caught some interesting glances from the paintings on the wall, as they watched a mysterious pile of dried grass start to mope around the castle grounds. Finally, he slid under Snape's door, to find him sleeping on his desk, with a quill resting in his hand.  
  
Draco tried to speak. Quite surprisingly, he found he couldn't speak.  
  
"Now how in bloody blazes am I supposed to wake this man up?" He thought. As if Snape had heard him telepathically, he woke up. Sensing the other presence, Snape looked around, at eye level. Finding nobody there, he looked up at the ceiling. Lastly, he looked on the floor, and found Malfoy.  
  
"Who the bloody are you?" He asked. Finding that this mysterious pile of hay didn't respond, he leaned in, picked it up, and placed it on his desk. It smelt like Malfoy. "Malfoy, is that you?" The pile of hay limped to the side, as if saying yes. All of a sudden this pile of hay looked like Malfoy, in his very ways. Strange how something as simple as a heap of dried grass could have so much character. "What in the world did you to yourself, boy?"  
  
Snape found out it was useless to even ask questions.  
  
"Forget it. I'll send you over to St.Mungoes this instant." And with that he took the heap of dead grass, which we now can call Draco, and stuffed him in a suitcase.  
  
::: Oh no! ::sarcastically:: He stuck Draco in a suitcase! Waah! ::seriously:: Well now, how would you feel if somebody came to the hospital with a collection of grass and asked you to treat it like a human?:::  
  
He walked out the Owlery and found the biggest owl possible. Last he included a note saying:  
  
To Whom It May Concern:  
  
Please do take care of this suitcase. It would be nice if you could ship it to St.Mungoes as soon as possible.  
  
Thank you-Professor Severus Snape  
  
As for inside the suitcase, was a note saying:  
  
To The Doctor:  
  
My student has turned himself into an unfortunate heap of dried grass. No, this is not a joke. I am quite sorry to notify you that, I don't know how to fix this unfortunate accident. I am absolutely sure that this is a student, so please do find a way to treat him and make sure everything will be all right. When he is back to normal, please contact me and I will pick him up. Thank you for your concern in this matter.  
  
Sincerely-Professor Severus Snape  
  
And with that he sent the own off the owl carrying a suitcase containing the contents of the (like the ad would say) new and improved, Draco Malfoy.  
  
:::Draco's journey in the suitcase involved being opened three times, scanned, weighed, and not to mention, sat on. By dawn that day he finally reached St.Mungoes and unfortunately was put through treatment by the dreaded one and only.... Dr.Schnuggleums. :::  
  
  
  
***In Dr.Schnuggleums's office***  
  
Dr.Schnuggleums was sitting at his desk, busily writing a prescription to a patient who had a hard time staying away from electric fans. Coincidentally, there was a desk fan right by Dr.Schnuggleums's desk circulating the hot air in the room. The fan was humming peacefully, when suddenly clack. Click. Clack clack clack. Dr.Schnuggleums looked up at the patient.  
  
"Mr.Johnson, please keep the pencil away from the fan."  
  
There was a knock on the door. "Come in." the beautiful Mrs. Caldwell stepped in. She was Dr.Schnuggleums's assistant and nurse.  
  
"Sir," Mrs.Caldwell said as she brushed back a strand of hair, "I got a note from a Professor Severus Snape here, asking a doctor to take care of a poor boy who has," she paused, "well, transformed himself, and let's just say, he couldn't transform himself back." She smiled. "I thought you would be able to help."  
  
Dr.Schnuggleums, a man in his late 50s, looked up and smiled a straight, white smile. "Yes, of course Cecile, once I get done with Mr.Johnson's prescription here." With that, he took the piece of paper he was writing on and handed it over to Mr.Johnson.  
  
"Now take this to your daughter and make sure she follows everything it says, okay?" He commanded him. Mr.Johnson smiled and then darted, nervously out of the office.  
  
"Where is this young man, Cecile?" He asked. Mrs.Caldwell bit her lip and then took the suitcase to Dr.Schnuggleums's desk. He opened it and raised his eyebrows. "This is going to be a hard one."  
  
***Somewhere in the other side of St.Mungoes hospital was Voldemort**  
  
"I need to get myself out of here," He thought grimly. He looked around at the padded cell. "Some plan for the greatest hide and go seek game ever. Lucius will never find me here. Ever. Aaargh!" He ran against the padded wall. "How the bloody heck am I supposed to get myself out of here?" he bellowed.  
  
Voldemort flopped down. "I'm bored," he thought dully. Instantly, he came up with a game to amuse himself. He would jump and touch the pad on the ceiling! So he bent his knees, summoned all his energy, and jumped. He flew up into the air, and stretched out an arm. With the tip of his middle finger, he lightly touched the top of the ceiling. Voldemort was so excited, he forgot to land on his feet. Instead, he landed on his toes.  
  
"Oooooouch! Yoooow! My toe! My precious toe!" He curled in a ball and was snuggling his toe in his fingers. With unknown flexibility, he bent over and kissed his toe.  
  
:::I never told you Voldie was a gymnast, aye?:::  
  
Voldemort turned over and noticed something in the corner of the room. "A vent!" He thought. Immediately he rose to his feet and limped over to the vent, in which he stuck his toe over. The cold air whooshed over. It felt quite comforting. So comforting in fact, that he continued to stick his toe lower and lower into the vent. He didn't realize it when his toe was through the vent grill and actually inside the vent. He stayed in that position for quite a long moment, until he felt the sudden urge to use the restroom. Immediately he started walking to the door, while his toe stuck.  
  
He yanked it a bit, but that hurt it all the more. "Darn!" He thought grimly. Next he tried inching his toe from side to side, to see if it would slip through. But, the stupid body part was too darned big. All of a sudden, his foot was cold. The cold air was now a major discomfort and was bothering poor Voldemort's toe. Urgently trying to get his toe out of the vent in order to use the restroom, he bent over and started yanking his foot. When that didn't work, he decided to tamper with the grill controller on the side. This was a special device that allowed the grills to slant in a certain direction in order to control the air movement. He twisted it to the right. "Ow! Ow! Ow!" He yelled. His toe was now squeezed in between two extremely tight grills. Finally, he turned the knob to the other side, which made the grills wider, and set his toe free.  
  
:::Voldie learned a lesson today. Never to stick your toe too far into the vent.:::  
  
*** Dr.Schnuggleums's office ***  
  
Draco was good and ready to go. Good old Dr.Schnuggleums did his job today. "Snape? *pause* Yes. Professor Snape to me?" At this his face went rapidly red to pale white. "Oh! Okay. Um..your student is ready to go. *longer pause* Yes you can come over to my office and pick him up. Yes. Thank you. Buhbye now." Dr.Schnuggleums turned over to Draco.  
  
"Now what in the world were you thinking when you drank that potion, dear boy?" Dr.Schnuggleums asked.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"You weren't thinking anything?"  
  
"No, unless you count 'I'm gonna be goddamn sexy'."  
  
"Oh." Said Dr.Schnuggleums as Draco smirked and looked away.  
  
At almost that moment, Snape apparated into the room, breaking the silence. "I trust all would be ready." He said. He yanked on Draco's arm and started walking out the door. Draco paused.  
  
"I'm not going outside looking like this!" He motioned at the green hospital robe that he was wearing, along with matching green fuzzy slippers.  
  
Snape rolled his eyes and with a wave of his hand Malfoy was in leather pants and white muscle tee. Malfoy flexed his arms and grinned. Snape snorted in disgust and put an irremovable leather jacket on Draco's shoulders.  
  
"Hey!"  
  
With that they strolled out the office and into the hallway. They were just about to get out of St.Mungoes when Snape stopped. He turned to the side and ran for the restrooms.  
  
"Where are you going?" Malfoy shouted after him.  
  
"Restrooms!" Snape called back. Finally, he reached the door. Sadly, there was a sign that read:  
  
  
  
ATTENTION!  
  
INDOOR RESTROOMS UNAVAILABLE FOR USE AT THIS POINT IN TIME. THERE IS A RABID HAMSTER AT HOME IN OUR SEWER SYSTEMS. REFER TO THE PORTA POTTY AVAILABLE IN THE GARDEN. THANK YOU.  
  
"Aargh!" Snape started dancing around and out his way to the garden. Draco couldn't help but laugh. Snape hopped around a bit rushing for the garden. He ran past all the flowers, and maybe on some of them, but I believe Snape got to the porta potty just in time.  
  
***17 minutes later***  
  
  
  
:::I hope you haven't forgotten about Voldemort. For right when Snape closed the door, he lined up, in desperate need to use the restroom too.:::  
  
"Whoever is in there, it's been 17 minutes, you know I've been timing you!" Voldemort said. "Hurry up I need to go!"  
  
:::Now you've probably been wondering why Snape has been taking so long. Well, just the other day he got diarrhea. And at this very day, he became constipated. :::  
  
Voldemort, who was acting like a little kid, started hopping around uncontrollably.  
  
"Get out of there I really need to go!"  
  
"Go find yourself a tree." Snape shouted. '"There are lots of them in this beautiful garden."  
  
Voldemort shivered at the thought. He looked around at the trees. There were quite a lot, actually. Just most of them were, well, thorny. Though they looked quite nice, the thorns.  
  
Finally, the door to the porta potty swung open. Snape stood there.  
  
"Voldemort? Is that you?" He asked. Voldemort turned around.  
  
"Yeah. So?" He asked.  
  
"You don't remember me, do you?" Snape asked.  
  
"Well I will remember you. As the man who took 20 minutes to use the bathroom." With that Voldemort went inside the porta potty.  
  
Malfoy was standing over in the corner. "That's Voldemort?" He laughed. "He's better with amnesia than with any other power he's had before."  
  
Snape smirked. "Let's go boy." With his hands in his pocket, Draco walked out of the garden with Snape and to the Ferry.  
  
**In the ferry back to Hogwarts**  
  
"So, Malfoy, what was that potion that you drank?"  
  
"None of your business."  
  
"I just saved your life. Now tell me or I'll put you in a report to Dumbledore."  
  
Draco's eyes narrowed. "Oh yeah? Blackmail, eh?" He paused and lifted his chin. "Fine. It was a hair strengthening potion."  
  
Snape didn't buy it. "Fine. Okay. It was the Amiabe Potion, you happy?"  
  
Snape grinned, then shook his head. "All right boy. You've got yourself out of this one."  
  
Malfoy smirked and looked back at St.Mungoes, shrinking in the distance. 


End file.
